Key of Awesome #35

I would eat a grenade for you baby, but book clubs are for suckers.



We just met, but I know you're my soul mate

I've got your name tattooed on my chest, neck, and face

Lets get hitched right away or at least pick a date

I've got next week open. When do you have open?

I sent you my left ear 

But you tossed it off the pier 

Then said something I couldn't hear 


Gave you all my string and my fingernail clippings

I hope I don't sound deranged, but I'd

Chop off my head for you

I just went off my meds for you

I'd drink a bottle of crazy glue

And lick a bathroom attendents shoe

Oh that's good shoe

I would peel you a million grapes

And make a portrait using audiotapes

Yes I'll protect you from robots

And futuristic apes

Oh, get your damn stinking paws off my girlfriend you dirty ape from the future


Calm down, you crazy clown, what is wrong with you?

Stop offering things that you'll never have to do

Just take your pills, pay your bills, I don't want you dead

Why would I want a boyfriend who doesn't have a head?


I'd eat a pile of glass

Pull my heart out through my ass


You know what you could do for me?


What, baby?


The dishes and the trash

Lets take that Tango class

Then watch some Lifetime TV


I'll shop at Target with you

Buy you tickets to Dave Matthews

I'd go to brunch with your book club friends

I'll tell you that you're not fat again

This nightmare ever ends

I would rather eat 50 grenades

Wear a speedo made of razor blades

Then have to deal with you baby

And your stupid mom